No Fate

Typing this to the beat of KD Lang: Constant Craving. I am so knackered after last night, yet I've still got quite a lot to do to get ready for the exhibition, namely finishing my costume. I had to glue the velvet and old curtain together as it would have taken forever to sew it, and besides, I didn't have either time or the inclination to do it. I haven't even finished gluing it, but I've still got time to do it tonight... though still need to make the hood, and that will have to be sewn onto the cloak... *groan*... Felt like I slept for ages when I came home, though it was only half an hour longer than yesterday. Spent the night confused and in pain, not able to understand why S. just left like he did, and wondering if I'd ever find that special person, then found myself wondering if it was even worth it at all. Sometimes I think, you know, maybe I'm just too independent to be with someone, but then I know that's what I want, deep down, no matter how often I try to deny it and convince myself otherwise. It's just I've lost so much trust and confidence in other people I get the feeling that maybe I would be better off alone, at least to save myself from hurt.

Steven's Theme

From the moment I first saw your face,

I knew we'd be together

I wanted to keep you forever

By the time I lost you on that grey day

The lightbulb in me expired,

When you opened the door to my car,

And walked out, saying you were hungry, tired

And said you'd see me later; liar

I spend my nights in loneliness, confusion and pain

Sleepless and without purpose, wishing on the stars

Only wondering why I'll never see you again

It could have been so good, but we never got that far

Lying From You

Woke up about half an hour ago, feeling a bit more positive today. But don't really have that much time as I'm going back to the chillout later to help paint the room. Before that I'm going to see if I can find a replacement resin for my eBay customer (*fat chance* I'll be able to, but I have to try), and before I even do that I have to tidy my room some more. Boring but necessary work.

Easier To Run...

Around 11.30pm… Not had a brilliant day. Well, most of it was OK until I checked my email when I got home from the chillout group – had a reply from an ebay customer saying that she was shocked to find the item I sent her was broken and had been really badly packed. I was horrified, but haven’t done anything about it yet. I don’t know what to do, apart from give her a refund. I did come up with an idea, that I could get a ‘replacement’, but I know I’ll never find one the same. I bought it two years ago. Shit. I feel so ashamed of myself. There’s no escaping the fact that I’m going to get negative feedback for this either. It just seems like one of those weeks. Apart from still feeling a bit upset about Steven, I’ve had my left wing-mirror ripped off by some selfish bastard while I was at work the other night, mum accused me of lying yesterday when I said I’d started tidying my room (which I had) – she went in while I was at work to see what I’d done, and said she couldn’t see any progress. OK, it doesn’t look like I’ve done much, but I am making progress, in my own way. Last night when I was leaving work about three kids were hanging around outside. I didn’t think much of it until I got in the car and started it; I was trying to get it into first when I noticed one of the kids gawping in at me through the window, and it just made me feel uncomfortable, and panicky. I kept thinking, “Have you done something to my car and you’re now waiting to see my reaction? What are you staring at?” I felt weak and shaky the whole way home over it, and when I got in bed all I kept imagining were scenarios where people were trying to steal my car, or were vandalising it really badly, and I couldn’t really sleep. Later on I started to wonder if the kid was the one who ripped off my mirror. Then I wondered if whoever did it had tried to break into it beforehand. I’m seriously thinking of asking Deb if I can use the driveway at work sometimes. At least it’s less likely to get touched there. It makes me mad, and scared too, that people keep doing things to my property. First, someone put a long scratch down the side. Not deep, but still visible. Then, I had silly string squirted into the door locks, yoghurt splashed on the windscreen, and now I’ve had my wing mirror smashed. What next?

I’ve spent the last few days feeling misunderstood, lonely and down. I can’t talk to mum about how I feel; I never told her about Steven, and besides, she’s never had much sympathy for me over anything in the past, particularly when it comes to ex-boyfriends. I hate saying things like that, as it makes her sound like such a bad person, but it’s true. When I was bullied at school, she just used to give me the brush-off, tell me to “ignore” it, or laugh it off, which hurt even more. I mean, how can you ignore physical attacks like I was sometimes subjected to? Name-calling I could just about ignore, but not having people shoved into me, pins stuck in my back, being nearly pushed down the stairs once (luckily another girl from my class broke my fall, but the bitch said that she’d ‘have to wash her hair again’ after I’d put my hand out to save myself, and my thumb went through it. Had I fallen down the stairs, I could have ended up disabled or even dead, but all she cared about was her carrot top). Michelle said it was kind people who got picked on the worst, when I said I didn’t understand why I got bullied so badly, as I’d never done anything to anyone, just tried to get on with my own school work/life. I don’t understand why I can’t keep nice boyfriends, either. Maybe it is all to do with me. I don’t really believe any more that I am ‘able’ to be loved. I’ve tried so many different ways to make things work, but nothing has. Am I meant to be alone? If I was certain that I’d never meet my perfect match I would be happy to be alone, but sometimes I just get the feeling that I want to be with someone, in spite of all the heartache I’ve been caused so far. Only, I keep getting glimpses of heaven and they just get cruelly snatched away.

Baby Goodbye

I ache all over from riding the other night - still. It made the nightshift last night even harder than normal as I was so stiff I couldn't climb the stairs very fast. Even though I didn't seem to be working very fast, I still got done early by my standards (around 8.30am). But I was incensed when I went out to the car and found some bastard had wrenched my left wing mirror off it during the night. The glass mirror part was lying smashed underneath the car, while the plastic wing mirror was twisted round and sticking in the air. I couldn't get it back to the right position, so had to leave it. I texted mum and told her what had happened, and David (my brother) is going to get it sorted out. Sometimes I wish I could have the power to smite people with lightning bolts... Went to Tesco on the way home, and got Horse and Hound magazine and a paper. Went on the computer for a little while when I finally got in, but was insanely tired after just a few minutes, so went to bed. Didn't really sleep that well, given my current state of mind. Woke up again just before mum took the dog out, and have been awake since, feeling at a loose end. I can't believe it's been a whole week today that I last saw Him. It doesn't seem possible.

Since You've Been Gone

Had strange dreams about Him again last night, but don't really remember them clearly. Woke up at 7.00am, as I set my alarm last night for, but didn't see the point in staying awake, so reset it for 9.00am and went back to sleep. I've been up half the night as it is, mainly playing the Sims Nightlife and posting on TS2 forums until 2.00am. Got to keep my mind occupied.

Nothing Compares To You

So what do I do? Do I still wait, or do I send him a text and ask him what's going on? Actually, scrap that. As far as I can see, there's no point in texting him any more. If it guaranteed a response, good or, or even bad, then yes, but it's 50/50, or maybe 1/100, or whatever. On the one hand, I'm getting over him, but on the other, I'm deeply hurt, and shocked that it's turned out like this, and I crave to know why.
Went to town earlier in the afternoon on the spur of the moment, mainly to buy the Sims 2: Nightlife expansion pack. I kept thinking, "fuck it, I don't care any more!" and feeling like I was blazing with inner strength and defiance etc. Bastards. Was Instant Messaging S.M. again this morning. I swear he's under the impression I'm his new-found girlfriend. Even though he lives in India, he keeps alluding to his 'girlfriend in England', i.e. me, but there's no way I'd ever get with him: a) Even though he was denying it, I know he has, or had, a girlfriend in India - at least he has told me quite recently ( a few months ago) that he was with someone, b) I'm not the type of person who can flit from one relationship to the next when things don't work out; I need time to reflect and move on, c) If he was actually deadly serious about coming over to England, and tried to get with me, he might only want a Visa. This is only my hypothesis; I don't believe he would ever be serious about coming over here at all.

Worries:

Size of next mobile phone bill
State of my whole life - there has to be more to it than this...
Have just wasted money on music download site can't actually download any music from
Finding someone decent in sea of seemingly-perfect-but-actually-male-f***wit-population
Work, the lonely weekend, knowing someone was meant to be with me at the Halloween exhibition but won't be coming now
Getting work finished in time for Halloween exhibition, including finishing touches to costume

Male ****wit Population

To hell with men, for they are EVIL! I can't get my head round why men just lose interest at the drop of a hat, and don't have the guts/decency to actually tell you they don't want to go out with you any more. Yes, it's an easy way out, but have some consideration, please! That way, we could at least start getting on with our lives a lot sooner than just keep anxiously wondering what's going on, hoping in vain that our gut instincts are wrong. If I never go out with another man, it will be too bloody soon. What is it that men find so damn unattractive about me? Do I have bad B.O. that everyone except me can smell? Do people find me hideously ugly? I wish someone would enlighten me.
Didn't have a bad shift at work, but just didn't really want to be there. Still not a peep from S. *******! (my asterisks). What does it take to make someone stick around for more than five bloody minutes??! Answers on a postcard, please...

All By Myself

Woke up with that familiar sinking feeling of dread, but also a vague glimmer of hope. Or at least, vaguely happy in the knowledge that I have a full two days ahead of me after today without any real commitments like work, only fun things like the chillout/art group (I need someone to talk to) and horseriding (need to release some of my anger and anxiety). Apart from that I do need to tidy my room but I don't want to depress myself further at the moment. People say when you have a break up, "there's plenty more fish in the sea", so why is it I always get the ones that can't swim?

When I was young, I never needed anyone,

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' alone I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

Don't Look Back

My intuition, tells me
This relationships not working, but we
Pretend we're better off not knowing, only
To realise we can't go on

I ache. There were no tears, for I could not cry, but I ache as if I have cried my eyes out. My eyes are sore, my muscles ache, I am cold inside. I should just give up on trying to find someone to be with. I knew he was too good to be true - he seemed virtually perfect... I know I'll get over it, but right now I'm so, so low.

Later... back from work, and just had a bath before bed. Well, I say before bed but if last night is anything to go by it will be several hours before I actually go there. When I feel like this, things like sleeping and eating just don't seem that important; life itself has no point any more, so why bother *living*?

Took the dog for a long walk after mum came home, mostly to help myself meditate on my current situation, and to find a way of coping emotionally. It was a glorious, warm and hazy day, not entirely unseasonable for October. Tonight is just as beautiful, with a full, bright moon illuminating the sky, almost like a soft blue dawn. But almost entirely wasted on the miserable wretch that is me. But at least I had one pleasant surprise today (well, OK, not entirely pleasant, but you can't have everything). When I looked at the off-duty I had got Wednesday off, but have to do Thursday night. Oh well. Got the weekend off, but sadly nobody to share it with apart from family, and they make too much noise for my liking.

Twisting the Chain

I'm home from pseudo-Hell (work) and not feeling 100%. Still no texts apart from my friend G. Why? What did I do? I'm just about keeping myself together (like a half-starved Alsatian straining against a lead to get to a juicy steak - trying to restrain myself from exhibiting unattractively clingy behaviour, but struggling) but it's not easy. G. said don't give up as it's only been a day, but I think he's gone. I've been dumped like this before, around 11 months ago, so at least if it is what I think it is (but Gods, I hope it isn't) I'm just a little prepared for it. Wish there was a way to be absolutely certain what was going on, but there's not, so will just have to sit here and stew until reality dawns on me. Then try to forget.
He's doing 9 - 5pm next week, so even if he does text me again it might make it a bit difficult. Don't know what hours I'm working next week, but I'm dreading looking at the off-duty to find out, which I will have to do tomorrow. I always dread looking at it, as I always seem to get shitty hours like all the night shifts, which I hate with a burning vengeance. At least I should have Friday free, not that I've got anything to do as the art group has had to be cancelled. I'll probably just end up doing nothing all day. Wednesday is the only day I'd kill to have off, as I could go to the youth group/art group and then go riding later on.

Nothing Else Matters

Feeling terrible at the moment but somehow holding myself together, as somehow think I could be wrong about things. Think I lost Steven last night, for good, and don't know why or how. We met at the lifeboat car park and sat in my car for two hours just talking (him more than me, but I was hanging on every word he said), then we parted at 6.00pm, without even so much as a kiss (but reasoned with myself, expecting it every time is just a bit lame, and not something the 'improving' me would do - I'm starting to learn not to dive in with my emotions, but be, as Bridget Jones would say, 'detached' in order to preserve my sanity. But still, felt quite rattled after he went). I haven't heard from him today and I have theories, but no real idea what might be 'wrong'; a) he's gone out, b) very busy c) no credit on his phone - but then what about email?! d) (possibly the most likely explenation) he decided last night he really doesn't like me any more, hence I have been plunged into the depths of nothingness and despair once again. Has he now abandoned me, like so many before him? I'm so confused. And scared again. If everything is really how it seems, where did I go wrong?
Also, had one of those nights where I was always waking up and wishing he was there, and having crazy dreams where I kept trying to hack into his email and online-dating accounts to try and find a definite sign that he liked me. Then I was running through a city somewhere in the rain, and he was there. As I passed him I grabbed his arm and ran up a fire-escape, intending to kiss him on the landing.

The Longer We're Apart

OK, now I'm really starting to get confused. And scared in a way. I thought I was falling in love with S. last night, and couldn't keep him out of my mind while I was at work (the night shift - 12 whole hours...) but somehow things don't seem right. He seems a bit distant, though if I really think about it, have things actually changed that much? Probably not that much but I'm still worried. There's nobody I can really talk to about it, so I don't know whether I really should be worrying about it or if I'm actually just paranoid about the whole thing. I am notorious (well, to myself, at least) for getting worked up over nothing. Aaargh! Next week will probably be hard as well - he works in the mornings when I'm free, and I work in the afternoons, starting when he leaves off work - not much time to text.

Sooner or later my head will start to spin round in madness like the famous Exorcist scene...

With or Without You

Another day another gruelling battle trying to understand my feelings and to come to terms with/control them again. Wrong and impossible to do anyway. I should have learned by now not to get so obsessed. Maybe I have addictive personality and not know it? Would explain a few things, at least. Actually, it would probably explain a lot... Anyway, have spent most of the day feeling a bit lonely and freaking out again, but finally realised my unspoken expectations are selfish, and I should try to control myself a bit more. But disloyal thoughts push past my rationalisations and say to me in hissing tones, 'If he really liked you he would...' 'maybe you're not what he wants' etc. It's completely stupid.

Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

Rrrr... just as I thought things might just be going OK for once, I've turned another corner and ran into a brick wall again. Haven't heard from Steven today, so feels like he's avoiding me, despite asking me out yesterday, and now work has just phoned and asked me to work this afternoon. I'm going out with the art group to the cinema/film festival this evening, so I can't do a whole shift. Instead I'm working until 6.00pm, which I really don't want to, but don't feel like I have much choice. I've really got to find a new job, one which doesn't make me have a heart attack every time the phone rings at home. Felt guilty as if I was lying when I told them I was going out, but...
Later... it's now 10.32pm. It's cold outside. I'm cold on the inside. Men are so disenchanting. Steven's response to my text I wnt disturb u if ur navigating on the way.miss u tho! : God hope i don't fall asleep! What does that mean, exactly??! I sent back Do u get sleepy on long journeys by ne chance then? as I couldn't think what else to write, apart from a confrontation accusing him of being uber sarcastic to me, which I was actually loathe to do. Somehow I don't think this is going to work. Still, had a fairly nice time at the film festival sitting with Michelle and Stacey. Apart from growing suspicions that my new relationship was going to turn out to be yet another non-runner, and a nagging suspicion that it was all my fault again - i.e. they thought I was boring or actually not really worth all the effort after all. B*ll*cks to men. Who needs them?

Never Sun Shall Morrow See

Hmm. Had a strange day again, but now the time is drawing closer to having to leave for work, and I'm starting to feel down again. I just don't feel ready, I'm not psyched up for it and I know it's just going to be as unpleasant as ever. Got phoned by Steven again and had a good chat, but got cut off prematurely as his credit was running low. I think I'm starting to like him more now, though we still haven't met in person. That's when it could all change...

The emotional demon fight

Later same day...
Phoned Steven. Not really sure what to think, really. He really made me laugh, but wasn't sure what to think of his accent. Sounded like the commentators on TV darts matches. I kept thinking, "This isn't good," but think I was growing used to it by the end of the call. It lasted about 2 hours! That's going to be one big phone bill!
I've got that same horrible feeling that I had with Nick - I wanted to fancy him, but somehow couldn't. It's an awful bottomless pit kind of feeling, where you keep going along with things in case everything changes, because, somehow, you want to feel what they probably feel for you, but deep down you know you're only lying to yourself, and that makes you feel worse, and it all goes round in a vicious circle.

Autumn Sunday

It's been a strange day. My free Sundays are always strange but somehow it was worse today. Have been texting Steven a lot, but it was better when we were emailing each other. I'm still unsure how he feels, or even how I feel. But that's just me. Little miss Insecurity. Even if we did get together it might only last a couple of months, even if I try my hardest to be interesting, attractive and witty, then I'll just be back to square one again, renewing my flimsy vows never to seek out romance ever again. I always tell myself I can make it on my own, and that I'm not lonely, but the truth is I'm deluding myself - I really am lonely. Why else have I spent the last few months arguing with myself about whether or not I should seek another boyfriend? It can't be because I thought it might just be good for a laugh.
Sometimes I think I'm completely incompatible with the rest of the human species.