Easier To Run...

Around 11.30pm… Not had a brilliant day. Well, most of it was OK until I checked my email when I got home from the chillout group – had a reply from an ebay customer saying that she was shocked to find the item I sent her was broken and had been really badly packed. I was horrified, but haven’t done anything about it yet. I don’t know what to do, apart from give her a refund. I did come up with an idea, that I could get a ‘replacement’, but I know I’ll never find one the same. I bought it two years ago. Shit. I feel so ashamed of myself. There’s no escaping the fact that I’m going to get negative feedback for this either. It just seems like one of those weeks. Apart from still feeling a bit upset about Steven, I’ve had my left wing-mirror ripped off by some selfish bastard while I was at work the other night, mum accused me of lying yesterday when I said I’d started tidying my room (which I had) – she went in while I was at work to see what I’d done, and said she couldn’t see any progress. OK, it doesn’t look like I’ve done much, but I am making progress, in my own way. Last night when I was leaving work about three kids were hanging around outside. I didn’t think much of it until I got in the car and started it; I was trying to get it into first when I noticed one of the kids gawping in at me through the window, and it just made me feel uncomfortable, and panicky. I kept thinking, “Have you done something to my car and you’re now waiting to see my reaction? What are you staring at?” I felt weak and shaky the whole way home over it, and when I got in bed all I kept imagining were scenarios where people were trying to steal my car, or were vandalising it really badly, and I couldn’t really sleep. Later on I started to wonder if the kid was the one who ripped off my mirror. Then I wondered if whoever did it had tried to break into it beforehand. I’m seriously thinking of asking Deb if I can use the driveway at work sometimes. At least it’s less likely to get touched there. It makes me mad, and scared too, that people keep doing things to my property. First, someone put a long scratch down the side. Not deep, but still visible. Then, I had silly string squirted into the door locks, yoghurt splashed on the windscreen, and now I’ve had my wing mirror smashed. What next?

I’ve spent the last few days feeling misunderstood, lonely and down. I can’t talk to mum about how I feel; I never told her about Steven, and besides, she’s never had much sympathy for me over anything in the past, particularly when it comes to ex-boyfriends. I hate saying things like that, as it makes her sound like such a bad person, but it’s true. When I was bullied at school, she just used to give me the brush-off, tell me to “ignore” it, or laugh it off, which hurt even more. I mean, how can you ignore physical attacks like I was sometimes subjected to? Name-calling I could just about ignore, but not having people shoved into me, pins stuck in my back, being nearly pushed down the stairs once (luckily another girl from my class broke my fall, but the bitch said that she’d ‘have to wash her hair again’ after I’d put my hand out to save myself, and my thumb went through it. Had I fallen down the stairs, I could have ended up disabled or even dead, but all she cared about was her carrot top). Michelle said it was kind people who got picked on the worst, when I said I didn’t understand why I got bullied so badly, as I’d never done anything to anyone, just tried to get on with my own school work/life. I don’t understand why I can’t keep nice boyfriends, either. Maybe it is all to do with me. I don’t really believe any more that I am ‘able’ to be loved. I’ve tried so many different ways to make things work, but nothing has. Am I meant to be alone? If I was certain that I’d never meet my perfect match I would be happy to be alone, but sometimes I just get the feeling that I want to be with someone, in spite of all the heartache I’ve been caused so far. Only, I keep getting glimpses of heaven and they just get cruelly snatched away.