Since You've Been Gone

Feel utterly depressed again today. I feel like I could drive off the edge of a cliff, though it's sad to say I don't think there's many people who would mourn my demise or even notice my absence. I have a suspicion I am about to lose yet another friend. I don't know what's going on, but whenever I try and talk to them (online or try to ring them) I don't get a response. They've been online a few days this week but always have their status set as 'busy'. I know for a fact all they do is play runescape, trawl ebay and check emails. They've also said I'm the only person they speak to online (which makes it even more suspicious). So what gives? If it is what I think it is, I don't even know what I did to upset them. I don't know why I even bother trying to make friends, considering that I seem to have lost/been betrayed/let down by just about every friend I've ever made. What bastard god dictated that I should never find happiness and true friendship? It's not like I'm a complete bitch to everyone I know, though it seems the nastiest people do have the most loyal friends/partners, which goes against logic really. I've never wanted to hang around anyone who seems intent to grind all sense of self-worth and self-esteem into the ground, but then maybe I'm abnormal or something.

Insert Lame Literal Movie Title Here

Does Windows Live hate everyone, or is it just me? Just wrote an entry and the bloody thing decided to erase it all... Raaarrggh!!! Looks like I might have to Blog on here again from now on. I'm sick of swearing innefectually at the monitor tonight. And it was all going so well...
Anyway, today was a bit mixed. Feel like I've done a lot, though really haven't achieved much. Sat on the PC trawling ebay for PS2 consoles, as Jackie's has broken. We were playing Need For Speed Underground last night, after watching Oh! My Goddess and the opening FMV of Final Fantasy 8 (for me it must be the millionth time; I just love it, plus I'm going through a bit of a phase of being obsessed by Squall and Final Fantasy in general right now. I know, I'm weird...) and it just kept stopping all the time. Not sure if I'll actually bid on anything, though, as no guarantee they actually *do* work. Plus I've spent rather a lot this month and I'm running low on money until pay day anyway .
Did some more editing on my animation at the youth group in the afternoon, putting the voices on. Still need tweaking here and there, and also opening/closing credits/title, though haven't got any ideas for character names yet. What's a good name for an acid green, tabby striped chav cat?
Anyway, although am pretty pleased with the way mine is going, am intrigued about how Jackie's will turn out. It sounds really cool .

Went out shopping for research group equipment in the early afternoon with the others, though afterwards wished I'd been able to stay behind and work on my film as we were in Staple/Comet (or Currys?) for three hours, and didn't even manage to buy anything though was nice to see Danny and Liam again. Looks like we'll have to do it all arrrghgain next week, though hopefully will be pointful rather than pointless exercise next time. I just got bored and played a puzzle game on the XBox 360 (rotating groups of three coloured hectagons to match and pop other ones; sure someone will know what it's called but I'm just too tired to bother trying to remember right now...). After about 20 minutes went to look for ther others, found they were still standing at the help desk, so I followed Jackie outside to get some air and talk about anime. Have done jack since I got home, though I did rinse out a load of plastic bottles for recycling (before taking them outside and discovering recycle bin hadn't been brought back through the gate; remembered I'd forgotten to bring it back this morning as had volunteered to, but still can't understand why nobody else had done it. ) while chicken noodles were in microwave. Mmmm, out of date chicken noodles *Homer Simpson gargling noise*. Don't know why I bothered making them, to be honest. I guess I just fancied them when I got them out of the cupboard, but kinda changed my mind when they were done, but what the hell. Waste not want not, eh? Really fancied some chips and a fried egg, but could not be arsed. Plus no money for Chippy anyway. I'm considering going on strike for more pay, though more to vent feelings of frustration and taken-for-grantedness rather than expecting anyone to take any notice...

One of my Mystery Mares

Dream

Had another one of my strange, 'repeat' dreams; I was in a city and all the buildings were tall, old and had fire escape staircases on the sides. I was there to fight Dracula, but although there was no sign of him, everywhere I went there was a creepy atmosphere and I knew I had to keep my guard up as I could run into him at any time, round any corner. Eventually, that time came. I walked into a stairwell in one of the buildings, and the Count peeled out of the shadows. I was shocked but knew I had to act quickly, though I woke up soon after, so I don't really remember what happened.

Shining Happy People

Had a very good day today, not that I've done much. Very nearly finished my pastel and pencil painting of Michelle's cat at art group this morning. Everyone liked it, and I think it's OK but it's not as good as I'd like it to be. I want to be a lot better than I am, but, at least until Kate gets back from the Isle of Wight, I've got nobody to give me guidance on improving my technique.
Was a little magical with the snow today, but very, very cold. I didn't know it had snowed until I walked out of the door this morning and saw it on next door's lawn. Had to get petrol on my way to art, and just walking from my car after I'd filled the tank up, into the shop, my fingers were frozen.
Had another night where I couldn't really sleep. Not sure why I'm having so much trouble dropping off at the moment. Maybe it's because my room is so cold. I had trouble getting up this morning because I felt sleepy, and just lay there in bed until nearly 9.00am, then got up and washed my hair, dried it and got my stuff ready, then went.
Went to Asda on the way home. Had to fight through the snow and biting wind to get in.

A Rainy Day on Mars

Spent the day tidying my room, all the time feeling strangely bad about myself, like the fact that I'm in a crappy job yet, despite having numerous career advice discussions, I haven't made any efforts to escape. Even I don't know why I do this. Well, I know it's partially the fear of the unknown: financially, since I'm actually in a job, I'm not sure if I could get any funding or financial 'help' if I went for a degree course or something. I have rent to pay each month - which also brings me to another concern, that I don't have a new cheque book; mum said she was sure one came for me a couple of months ago, but I'm almost certain I didn't get one. In fact, I'd say it was a 24 carat gold, diamond-encrusted fact that I haven't got another one. I've been just 'hanging on' the last few days to see if one does turn up in the post, but I resolved today, that if I don't get it tomorrow, I'll have to phone the bank (and I hate making phone calls...). I've gone way off-topic, now. I'd better look at the OU website tomorrow, too. What, really, is the point in wasting my life in a job where I just feel like a skivvy? None.
Getting a bit suspicious something's going on with my computer. Sometimes when I'm on the 'net these little rotating envelopes come up in the system tray with a little message saying 'Mail Delivery Complete' - but I never sent anything. What could that be? Also, sometimes a message comes up asking if I want to cancel a fax. I do, just out of sheer bloodymindedness - somehow I love the thought that stopping the fax (whatever it is) really pisses off the person trying to use my computer to send it. Cathartic exercise at it's best, methinks.

No Fate

Typing this to the beat of KD Lang: Constant Craving. I am so knackered after last night, yet I've still got quite a lot to do to get ready for the exhibition, namely finishing my costume. I had to glue the velvet and old curtain together as it would have taken forever to sew it, and besides, I didn't have either time or the inclination to do it. I haven't even finished gluing it, but I've still got time to do it tonight... though still need to make the hood, and that will have to be sewn onto the cloak... *groan*... Felt like I slept for ages when I came home, though it was only half an hour longer than yesterday. Spent the night confused and in pain, not able to understand why S. just left like he did, and wondering if I'd ever find that special person, then found myself wondering if it was even worth it at all. Sometimes I think, you know, maybe I'm just too independent to be with someone, but then I know that's what I want, deep down, no matter how often I try to deny it and convince myself otherwise. It's just I've lost so much trust and confidence in other people I get the feeling that maybe I would be better off alone, at least to save myself from hurt.

Steven's Theme

From the moment I first saw your face,

I knew we'd be together

I wanted to keep you forever

By the time I lost you on that grey day

The lightbulb in me expired,

When you opened the door to my car,

And walked out, saying you were hungry, tired

And said you'd see me later; liar

I spend my nights in loneliness, confusion and pain

Sleepless and without purpose, wishing on the stars

Only wondering why I'll never see you again

It could have been so good, but we never got that far